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Self-Help

Custody & Visitation

Parents who come to court about child custody and visitation face decisions about parenting plans for their children. Sometimes parents cannot agree; when that happens, the judge will refer those cases to mediation with family court services. Some parents agree to a parenting plan before or after mediation and can make a custody/visitation agreement that they give to the court. The judge makes the final decision, but usually will approve an arrangement that both parents agree to.

This section gives you information about parenting after separation or divorce. It helps you understand what your children may be going through and what they may need to adjust to the changes in their lives. It also gives you information to make a parenting plan for you, your children’s other parent, and your children that is based on the best interest of your children.

This section also includes a brief overview of the court process in custody and visitation cases. Once you decide what steps you need to take before you file your case in court, you can move on to the other sections that specifically address the court process.

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Children and Separation or Divorce

Parents that separate will need to have a plan for deciding how their children will be cared for and where they will live or spend time. This plan can be called a parenting plan, a time-share plan, or an agreement (“stipulation”) about child custody and visitation. Children react differently to the separation of their parents, and you know your children best. But here is some information to help you understand what could be going on with your children. It is important that you remain open to talking to your children and that you give them a lot of understanding and nurturing during this time.

Many children go through different stages in dealing with the grief they may feel around their parents’ separation:

  • Shock and denial that their parents are separating;
  • Anger because their parents are separating;
  • Depression — children may become overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness and sadness when significant changes are happening in their lives;
  • Bargaining — when children try hard to make things the way they were, promising themselves or their parents anything to get their parents back together; and
  • Acceptance — when children begin to talk more openly about the separation and get their energy and own interests back.

Helping your children cope with your separation
Explain to your children that you and the other parent will be living in separate homes. If it is appropriate in your situation, reassure your children that they will still have contact with both parents even though the 2 of you live in separate homes.

Try to avoid arguing with the other parent in front of the children and put off a difficult discussion until later, when your children are not around.

Avoid putting your children in the middle by using them as messengers or spies between the 2 parents. Show your children that you respect their other parent, and support the time that they spend with each of you.

It may help to have your children talk to a counselor or to other children who have gone through their parents’ separation.


For those families parenting together after separation

  • Give your children the stable and predictable routine they need.
  • Figure out how you and the other parent can each make time to be with your children.
  • Get the information you need to make good decisions about what your children need at each age.
  • If possible, find a way to parent well together and separately.
  • Take care of yourself. Find ways to feel good about yourself and to understand your confusing feelings.
  • Set goals. Try to stay calm in difficult situations.

Children benefit when their parents:

  • Avoid conflict and any physical violence or emotional abuse.
  • Handle rules and discipline in similar ways.
  • Support appropriate and safe contact with grandparents and other extended family so the children do not experience a sense of loss.
  • Are flexible so the children can take advantage of opportunities to participate in special family celebrations or events.
  • Give as much advance notice as possible to the other parent about special occasions.
  • Provide an itinerary of travel dates, destination, and ways that the children or parent can be reached when on vacation.
  • Establish a workable “businesslike” method of communication.
  • Plan their vacations around the children’s regularly scheduled activities.

Children are harmed when parents:

  • Use physical violence.
  • Make their children choose between each parent.
  • Question their children about the other parent’s activities or relationships.
  • Make promises they do not keep.
  • Put down the other parent in the children’s presence or range of hearing.
  • Discuss problems they are having with the other parent with the children or in the children’s range of hearing.
  • Use the children as a messengers, spies, or mediators.
  • Withhold access to the children for reasons unrelated to safety concerns.

Get more detail on creating a parenting plan that is best for your children.


Parenting resources
Taking a parenting class may help you understand how to best parent your children after separating from their other parent. Also, mental health professionals can help to point out important issues for the family and help you make the separation as easy on your children as possible.

The family court in your county has an office, called Family Court Services, which usually has a list of parenting classes. Find the Family Court Services in your county. Also, most areas have groups like the YMCA or YWCA, youth agencies, community agencies, and religious groups that offer:

  • Handouts on normal development for babies, toddlers, and preschoolers
  • Articles with checklists for picking a quality daycare
  • Parenting classes with tips for handling typical situations

Because there are so many resources available, it is best if you search for what you want in your city or county. Go to an Internet search engine and search for “parenting resources” or “parenting classes” in your city. There are online parenting classes, guidelines, and handouts for parents and children of all ages. Many cities also have parenting classes in languages other than English.


Parenting resources for gay and lesbian parents
You can find information on the Internet and through some community organizations on issues specific to children of gay and lesbian couples.

Here are some resources:

Basics of Custody and Visitation

This section helps you understand some legal words that are used in family court to describe the sharing of parenting responsibilities. For example, you will often hear the words “custody” and “visitation” being used in separation and divorce cases. “Child custody” refers to the rights and responsibilities between parents for taking care of their children. In your case, you will need to decide on custody. You also need to decide on “visitation,” which means how each parent will spend time with the children. Here are some other things you need to know:

There are two kinds of child custody:

  • Legal custody, which means who makes important decisions for your children (like health care, education, and welfare), and
  • Physical custody, which means who your children live with.

Visitation (also called “time-share”) is:

  • The plan for how the parents will share time with the children.

In California, either parent can have custody of the children, or the parents can share custody. The judge makes the final decision about custody and visitation but usually will approve the arrangement (the parenting plan) that both parents agree on.

If the parents cannot agree, the judge will make a decision at a court hearing. The judge will usually not make a decision about custody and visitation until after the parents have met with a mediator from Family Court Services.


Types of custody orders

Legal custody can be:

  • Joint, where both parents share the right and responsibility to make the important decisions about the health, education, and welfare of the children.

                            OR

  • Sole, where only 1 parent has the right and responsibility to make the important decisions about the health, education, and welfare of the children.

Parents with legal custody make decisions or choices about their children’s:
  • School or child care
  • Religious activities or institutions
  • Psychiatric, psychological, or other mental health counseling or therapy needs
  • Doctor, dentist, orthodontist, or other health professional (except in emergency situations)
  • Sports, summer camp, vacation, or extracurricular activities
  • Travel
  • Residence (where the children will live)

Parents who share legal custody both have the right to make decisions about these aspects of their children’s lives, but they do not have to agree on every decision. Either parent can make a decision alone. But to avoid having problems and ending up back in court, both parents should communicate with each other and cooperate in making decisions together.

Physical custody can be:

  • Joint, which means that the children live with both parents.
  • Sole or primary, which means the children live with 1 parent most of the time and usually visit the other parent.

Joint physical custody does not mean that the children must spend exactly half the time with each parent. Usually the children spend a little more time with 1 parent than the other because it is too hard to split the time exactly in half. When 1 parent has the children more than half of the time, then that parent is sometimes called the “primary custodial parent.”

Sometimes, a judge gives parents joint legal custody, but not joint physical custody. This means that both parents share the responsibility for making important decisions in the children’s lives, but the children live with 1 parent most of the time. The parent who does not have physical custody usually has visitation with the children.


Types of visitation orders

  • Visitation: A parent who has the children less than half of the time has visitation with the children. Generally, it helps the parents and children to have detailed visitation plans to prevent conflicts and confusion.
  • Supervised visitation: This is used when the children’s safety and well-being require that visits with the other parent be supervised by you, another adult, or a professional agency. Click for more information on supervised visitation. Supervised visitation is sometimes also used in cases where a child and a parent need time to become more familiar with each other, like if a parent has not seen the child in a long time and they need to slowly get to know each other again.
  • No visitation: This option is used when visiting with the parent, even with supervision, would be physically or emotionally harmful to the children. In these cases, it is not in the best interest of the children for the parent to have any contact with the children.

 

The law on deciding custody and visitation

The law says that judges must give custody according to what is in the “best interest of the child.”

To decide what is best for a child, the court will consider:

  • The age of the child,
  • The health of the child,
  • The emotional ties between the parents and the child,
  • The ability of the parents to care for the child,
  • Any history of family violence or substance abuse, and
  •  The child’s ties to school, home, and his or her community.


Courts do not automatically give custody to the mother or the father, no matter what the age or sex of your children. Courts cannot deny your right to custody or visitation just because you were never married to the other parent, or because you or the other parent has a physical disability or a different lifestyle, religious belief, or sexual orientation.

In addition to custody orders, the judge will probably also make child support orders. Keep in mind that a child support order is separate from child custody and visitation, so you cannot refuse to let the other parent see the children just because he or she is not making the child support payments that the court ordered. And you cannot refuse to pay child support just because the other parent is not letting you see your children. But child support and custody are related because the amount of time each parent spends with the children will affect the amount of child support. Click to read more about child support.

Sometimes, if giving custody to either parent would harm the children, courts give custody to someone other than the parents because it is in the best interest of the children. Usually this is called “guardianship,” where someone who is not the parent asks for custody of the children because the parents cannot care for them. Click for more information on guardianship.


Ways to get a custody and visitation court order

In most cases, parents can make their own agreements for custody and visitation, without a court order. If you make an agreement between the 2 of you, the agreement becomes binding and enforceable. But if 1 of you does not follow the agreement, a court cannot enforce it until it becomes a court order. So if you and the other parent agree on custody and want a court order that either of you can enforce if 1 of you violates the agreement, you can turn in your agreement to a judge. The judge will probably approve the agreement, sign it, and it will become a court order. After the judge signs your agreement, file it with the court clerk. Click for more information on writing up a custody and visitation agreement or parenting plan.

If you cannot agree, the judge will send you to mediation and a mediator from Family Court Services or another court-related program will help you. If you still cannot agree, you and the other parent will meet with the judge. Generally, the judge will then decide your custody and visitation schedule. Learn more about mediation of custody cases.

In some cases, the judge may appoint a child custody evaluator to do a custody evaluation and recommend a parenting plan. A parent can also ask for an evaluation, but the request may not be granted. Parents may have to pay for an evaluation.

The judge also may appoint lawyers for children in custody cases. The judge will also decide who will pay for the children’s lawyer’s fees.

After a judge makes a custody or visitation order, 1 or both parents may want to change the order. Usually, the judge will approve a new custody and visitation order that both parents agree to. If the parents cannot agree on a change, 1 parent can ask the court for a change. That parent will probably have to complete certain forms to ask for a court hearing and prove to the judge that there is a significant change in circumstances (for example, the children would be harmed unless the order is changed) or other good reason to change the order. Both parents will most likely have to meet with a mediator to talk about why the court order needs to be changed.

To get an overview of the child custody and visitation process, read the Child Custody Information Sheet (Form FL-314-INFO). This information sheet is also available in Spanish, Chinese, Korean, and Vietnamese.

Contested custody or visitation cases, where the parents cannot agree, are complicated. Talk with a lawyer to understand how the law affects you and your rights. Click for help finding a lawyer.

Parenting Plans

This information is for parents who are not facing issues of drug abuse, sexual abuse, or domestic violence.

CAUTION: If your family has problems with drug abuse, violence, neglect, or sexual abuse, it can be very hard to make a safe parenting plan that works. Get help from an agency or counselor. Find resources in your county.

Read more about domestic violence and child custody.
Read more about child abuse. Find child abuse resources. Find Child Protective Services in your county.
Find information and help on substance abuse issues.

Once the court is involved, there may be additional ways to help you create a safe parenting plan, and the court’s Family Court Services can help you.

Basics of parenting plans
A parenting plan, also called a “custody and visitation agreement,” is the parents’ written agreement about:

  • Time-share: a schedule for when the children will be with each parent; and
  • Decisionmaking: how the parents will make decisions about the health, education, and welfare of the children.

With a written plan, you and your children will know what to expect and will have fewer conflicts about shared parenting time.

Your parenting plan becomes a court order after it is signed by both of you, signed by the judge, and filed with the court.Make a parenting plan that is in the best interest of your children. When both parents are active in their children’s lives and do not fight over custody and visitation schedules, the children will usually do much better. Change is hard for children.

The particular needs of your children will vary depending on many factors. We do not know how long young children can go without seeing either parent, how many transitions children can handle, or how long children should stay in each household. We do know that children can get attached to caregivers when they have good relationships that are consistent over time.In many instances, it may make sense for infants and toddlers to be able to see each parent regularly, especially if a child is safe with either parent. Younger children’s concept of time is different from that of older children, and they often need more consistency. It is generally a good idea to have a regular schedule and stick to it. Most children benefit from having a routine they can count on. When you make a schedule, think about the quality of the relationships. Not just the relationship between the children and each parent, but also between the parents and between the children and any other caregivers.

Some suggestions:

  • Meet your children’s basic needs for:
    • Love, protection, and guidance,
    • A healthy diet,
    • Good medical care, and
    • Enough rest.
  • Consider your children’s ages, personalities, experiences, and abilities. Every child is different. Adjust your plan to your children, NOT your children to your plan.
  • Give your children regular, consistent times with each of you for day-to-day care, overnights, activities, schoolwork, vacations, and holidays. Use a calendar to help you.
  • Give your plan enough detail so it is easy to understand and enforce.
  • Give your children a sense of security and a reliable routine.

Also, be flexible. For example, if a child is not feeling well when it is time to go to the other parent’s house, think about what would be best for your child. Clearly, the age of the child and the seriousness of the illness need to be taken into account. Also, the distance between the 2 homes will be a major factor in decisionmaking. Some parents use the standard that if the child is well enough to go to school, he or she is well enough to move from 1 home to another. However, deciding whether a child should go to school or not is often difficult, so that standard is not too helpful.

Here are some considerations:

  • Both parents have not just the right, but an obligation to care for a child while the child is ill. It is unreasonable to expect the primary custodial parent to take over all care of a sick child, just as it is unreasonable to deny parenting time due to minor illnesses.
  • The child’s feelings count. It is typical for a sick child to be cranky and unhappy; moving him or her to the other home may only intensify these feelings. On the other hand, children are prone to “cabin fever” just like adults. A change of environment may very well make a child feel better and help take his or her mind off the illness.
  • When parents share care of an ill child, clear communication is crucial. If the child is on any kind of medication, knowing when the child took his or her last dose or when the next dose should be given is important information that parents should convey when exchanging the child. Both parents may want to keep a simple log of what medications the child is taking and what the medication schedule is.

If parenting time is missed due to sickness, the noncustodial parent probably may want to make the time up. Reasonable “illness contingencies” may be written into every parenting plan to provide guidance for these situations. When adding these contingencies to your parenting plan, you need to take into account that each parent’s situation (travel, work schedule, etc) is different.

Communicating with each other

How you talk to each other and to your children can make a big difference. Try to think about the other parent as a business partner. Acting “businesslike” may help get your mind off the pain and stress so you can focus better on your children. Here are some tips:

  1. Be polite, just like you would be at work.
  2. Stay on the subject. Focus on doing what is best for your children.
  3. Control your emotions, just like you would do at work.
  4. Be clear and specific when you talk to the other parent. Write things down and keep businesslike records of important agreements.
  5. Keep your promises. Your children need to be able to trust and rely on you. This is very important right now.
  6. Watch the words you use when you talk about divorce.

 

INSTEAD OF SAYING: TRY SAYING:
wife, husband, ex-wife, ex-husband, my “ex” children’s mother, children’s father
has visitation with stays with, comes over
custody and visitation agreement parenting plan


What should be in your parenting plan

  • “Physical custody,” which means where the children live and how they spend their time. Think about activities, overnights, and day-to-day care, and ask yourselves:
    • Where should our children be during the week? On weekends?
    • Where should our children be for holidays, summer vacations, and special days?
    • Which parent will be in charge of which activities (sports, music, homework)?
    • Which parent is in charge at which times?
    • How will our children get from one parent to the other? Who will pay the costs of transportation?

  • “Legal custody,” which means who makes important decisions about the children. Be clear and specific about which decisions each parent can make on his or her own and which decisions you will make together about:
    • Schools
    • Daycare
    • Religion
    • Medical and dental care
    • Emergency care
    • Jobs and driving (for older children)

Stay informed and up-to-date on your children’s lives and activities.

Except in cases of abuse or violence:

  • Both parents can have information about the children.
  • Both parents can call the children.
  • Both parents can look at the children’s medical and school records.
  • Each parent can have the other parent’s address and phone numbers and other contact information (like e-mail).

Find more information on creating a parenting plan.

Parenting plans can be general or specific and can have restrictions. It depends on the court order and what the parents agree to. A good way to learn about what should be in your parenting plan is to look at the court forms for custody and visitation, like the Child Custody and Visitation Order Attachment (Form FL-341) and the Child Custody and Visitation Application Attachment (Form FL-311).

These forms can also help you when you think about your parenting plan:

These forms talk about plans that include weekdays, weekends, holidays, vacations, cost of transportation for visitation, and restrictions on traveling or moving with the children.

Find more on creating a parenting plan for holidays and vacations.

Writing up your parenting plan (custody and time-share agreement)

The procedure for writing up your parenting plan and getting a judge’s signature so that it becomes a court order may be a little different from court to court.

In general, these are the steps you will have to follow:

1. Fill out your court forms
Fill out:

  • Stipulation and Order for Custody and/or Visitation of Children (Form FL-355) as a cover sheet for your custody and visitation agreement.
  • Child Custody and Visitation Order Attachment (Form FL-341)
  • Other forms you may want to use are:

2. Sign the stipulation
Both parents must sign the Stipulation and Order for Custody and/or Visitation of Children (Form FL-355) or similar document. Both of you must make sure you understand everything you are agreeing to, and no one is being forced to sign.

3. Have your forms reviewed
If your court’s family law facilitator helps people with custody and visitation cases, ask him or her to review your stipulation paperwork. The facilitator can make sure you filled it out properly before you present it to the judge to review and sign.

4. Make at least 2 copies of all your forms
One copy will be for you; another copy will be for your children’s other parent. The original is for the court.

5. Get the judge’s signature on your stipulation
Turn in the original and 2 copies of your signed stipulation to the judge for the judge’s signature. Make sure you ask the court clerk for the procedure in your court and that you know when to return to pick up your paperwork.

6. File your forms with the court clerk
Once you have the judge’s signature, make sure you file the stipulation (agreement). The court will keep the original and you and the other parent will each have a copy, stamped “Filed” by the court clerk.

If you need help, your local family law facilitator may be able to help both of you write up an agreement.

Making your parenting agreement work

  • Use a calendar
    Have a calendar that shows where the children will be and when. Put your calendar in a place that is easy to see. If you need to make a change, talk to the other parent about it to reach an agreement and make sure you explain the change to your children. Children and parents do better when things are clear.
  • Watch your children
    You know your children, so:
    • Watch to see how they do with the schedule. 
    • If they are not doing well, talk to the other parent and try to find a way to fix things.
    • Make sure they know that the separation or divorce is not their fault.
    • Tell them you love them and will take care of them.
    • Let them tell you how they feel about all the changes and what they need from you.
    • And try to listen without getting defensive.
  • When you and the other parent do not agree
    Parents do not always agree on what is best for their children. This is natural. It happens in every relationship, even when parents do not separate or divorce.
    • Listen to the other parent and respect his or her point of view.
    • Control your emotions, just like you do at work.
    • Read the section on “Communicating with each other.”
    • Do what is best for your children.
    • Do NOT put your children in the middle of your arguments with the other parent.
    • Do NOT use physical violence or be mentally or emotionally abusive.
  • Changing your plan
    You may need to change your parenting plan when your children get older and things in their lives change. Talk it over with the other parent or see a counselor to help you. If that does not work, you may want to go back to family court mediation.

If you have questions, ask your mediator or lawyer about any questions you have. Find the family court services mediators in your county. Your family court will try to make the mediation process as easy as possible.

You can also ask the family law facilitator in your county for information on family court procedures and forms or referrals to local resources.

Good luck with your parenting plan!

Special Situations

One parent wants to move away with the children
The law on these types of cases is very complicated and changing. You should talk to a lawyer if you want to move away with your children or if you are worried that the other parent will move away with your children. Click for help finding a lawyer.

Generally, a parent who has a permanent order for sole physical custody (also called “primary physical custody”) can move away with the children unless the other parent can show that the move would harm the children. But it is not always clear whether a custody order is permanent or temporary, so what the law requires may be different in your case. Talk to a lawyer to make sure you understand how the law applies to your specific circumstances.

If the parents have joint physical custody of the children and 1 parent does not want the child to move, the parent that wants to move with the children must show the court that the move is in the best interest of the children.

Keep in mind that, although the physical custody label (“joint” or “sole”) you agree to in your parenting agreement is important, if there is a dispute, the court will usually look at the actual parenting schedule at the time of the move, rather than rely on the schedule the parents put in their parenting agreement.

If you are worried that the other parent may want to move away with your children, or if you think you may want to move away with the children, talk to a lawyer before you make a parenting plan to make sure your plan protects your rights as much as possible.


Staying close to your children if they move away with the other parent
You can make a parenting plan that takes into consideration that your children are moving away and changes the visitation so that you can still have quality time with your children. Click for help with parenting plans.

Also, thanks to the Internet, there are other ways for you to stay connected to your children, not just e-mail. There is something called “virtual visitation” that helps you have “visits” with your children through web-based camera-computer technology.  Find more information on virtual visitation.


Traveling out of state or the country with your children
Usually, you need the other parent’s permission to travel out of state with your children, especially if you want to leave the country, or if, because of your traveling with your children, the other parent will miss his or her court-ordered visitation. If you cannot find the other parent, you will need to go to court and ask the judge for permission to let you leave without the other parent’s permission. You will have to look for the other parent and tell the judge everything you tried to find him or her.

You should also closely look at your existing custody and visitation court order and make sure that there are no restrictions on you leaving the state or your country with the children. If there are limits on whether you can take your children outside of your country or state, you usually need a court order giving you special permission to travel.

If the judge gives you an order letting you travel, make sure you get it in writing. Also make sure the order has everything you need, including the dates of travel and any other information so that you can travel with your children safely. Carry a copy of the order on you everywhere you go when you travel. You may need to show it to the border patrol, airport staff, or any official that asks to see it.

When the parents live in different states
If you and the other parent live in different states and you are trying to resolve custody issues, you should work with lawyers who have experience with these types of cases.

All states of the United States and the District of Columbia have adopted the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA). This law sets standards for when a court may make a custody decision and when a court must accept an existing decision from another state.

In general, a state may make a custody decision about a child if 1 of the following is true:

  • The state is the child’s “home” state. This means the child has lived in the state for the last 6 months, or was living in the state but is not there because a parent took the child or kept him or her out of the state.
  • The child has significant connections with people in the state, such as teachers, doctors, and grandparents. It can be proven that the child’s care, protection, training, and personal relationships are based there.
  • The child is in the state and either has been abandoned or is in danger of being abused or neglected if sent back to the other state.
  • No other state can meet 1 of the 3 tests listed above, or a state can meet at least 1 of the tests but has declined to make a custody decision.

A custody decision can only be made in 1 state. Once the first state makes a custody decision, another state cannot make another “initial” decision or modify the existing order.

Having the same law in all states helps achieve consistency in the treatment of custody decisions. It also helps solve many of the problems created by kidnapping or disagreements over custody between parents living in different states.
 

Needs of Children of Different Ages

CAUTION: If your family has problems with drug abuse, violence, neglect, or sexual abuse, it can be very hard to make a safe parenting plan that works. Get help from an agency or counselor. Find resources in your county.

Read more about domestic violence and child custody.
Read more about child abuse. Find child abuse resources.
Find information and help on substance abuse issues.

Once the court is involved, there may be additional ways to help you create a safe parenting plan, and the court’s Family Court Services can help you.

Children are very different and have different needs, depending on their relationship with their parents, their maturity level, and their extended family, friends, community, cultural background, and other factors. So, there is no “one size fits all” parenting plan for children of different ages.

But there has been a lot of research on this subject and there are a lot of resources on the Internet for help developing parenting plans. You can also talk to counselors, your mediator at Family Court Services, community agencies, and lawyers.

These Web sites can give you some guidelines that you may find helpful, but an individualized plan for your children is best:

What Do Young Children (5 Years Old or Younger) Need?

What Do Children 6 Years Old and Older Need?

 

What Do Young Children (5 Years Old or Younger) Need?

This section includes research from studies of children who were 5 years old or younger when their parents divorced or separated. This information may be helpful to you and your children.

Separation and divorce can be difficult and may present emotional challenges for adults and children. Your children may need extra love, time, attention, and stability to deal with these changes. Get support from family, friends, support groups, and professionals so that you have the energy to help your children.

Children usually need some consistency in both parents’ homes to help them get used to the changes. You need to find a way to talk to the other parent about your children on a regular basis. This will help you avoid misunderstandings and keep small problems from getting big.

Try to remember that most families make it through a separation or divorce and are happy, well-adjusted children and parents. But if you or your children have problems that just do not seem to go away, ask your doctor, a parenting educator, counselor, or mediator to help.

What young children need from their parents

Children going through divorce or separation have certain needs. Although there are no foolproof ways to raise young children before, during, and after a separation, you and the other parent can help your children cope better with the divorce or separation.

Most families are more calm and stable 2 years after the parents separate. However, your children need your help now to get used to the changes in their lives.

All types of families can give young children what they need. Parents do not have to be perfect. Even so, when parents live apart, young children need them to:

  • Give them warmth, affection, and love.
  • Understand their needs and feelings, but set limits to help them grow up.
  • Know the children well and spend time playing with, teaching, and caring for them.
  • Make sure that caregivers (babysitters, daycare centers, family members, etc.) are stable, reliable, sensitive to the children, and accepted by both parents.
  • Control any negative feelings, especially in front of the children.
  • Share information with the other parent regularly and with respect.
  • Decide which parenting decisions need to be made together and which can be made by 1 parent.
  • Solve problems and disagreements that affect the children.
  • Give them enough food, clothes, toys, and equipment.
  • Give them good medical care and education.

It helps children if their parents feel good about themselves. Grandparents, other family members, and close friends need to support both parents and be dependable, sensitive, and helpful “advisors.”

No matter where your children are, they need to be with adults who:

  • Are warm and comforting,
  • Listen carefully,
  • Help them make sense of the world, and
  • Give them interesting things to do and think about.

Your children will do best if you and the other parent respect each other and support each other as parents. Do not show your anger in front of your children. Try to find ways to work out your disagreements with the other parent.

Finding common ground as parents

All couples disagree about what they think is important for their children. When parents live together, they have more chances to work out their differences and agree on a way of parenting (a “common ground”). It is much harder for parents to find a common ground when they live apart. It is easier to think that the other parent is not listening or is making a mistake.

If you and the other parent talk about your differences, you can learn from each other and your children can get the best of both parents.

Some suggestions:

  • Have regular, positive conversations with the other parent. Try to solve problems; talk about your worries and your children’s activities, successes, and problems.
  • Figure out what you can do to let the other parent know you are listening to his or her concerns.
  • Decide what you need from the other parent to believe that he or she is taking your concerns seriously.

For example:

  • A father is really worried about safety. He buys the newest car seat and installs gates at the top of the stairs and safety latches on the cabinets. The mother wants her child to be independent. At the playground, she stands by the slide while the child climbs to the top, instead of lifting the child up.
  • The problem: The father thinks the mother is being “unsafe” because she lets the child be independent. The mother thinks the father is “overprotective” for worrying so much about safety.
  • The solution: If the father sees the child in a car seat every time the child comes over, he sees that the mother thinks safety is important. If the father and child tell the mother how much fun the slide is, she sees that the father will support the child’s independence. This way, both parents feel that they are important to their child. And both feel respected.

Working together as parents

There are different ways for parents to work together after separating:

  • Some work together as a team. They respect and support each other.
  • Some have a more distant, businesslike relationship. They are not friends, but they talk about important issues, plan their households, and find ways to work out disagreements.
  • Others do not fight, but they do not talk much either. They avoid fights by keeping each household separate.
  • Some parents also have to deal with abuse or violence. These parents need to think about how to protect themselves and their children, and how to stop being violent.

Problems between parents can make children:

  • Feel bad about themselves,
  • Disobey and not cooperate,
  • Have problems in school, and
  • Have trouble getting along with friends.

Children should not feel that they are “in the middle” of their parents’ disagreements. Children should NOT:

  • Take messages from 1 parent to the other,
  • Feel that you expect them to take sides,
  • Feel that they caused their parents’ disagreements, or
  • See violence.

If you do not agree on anything

Here is an example of a couple, Chris and Jack, who started off not having any common ground and were able to reach an agreement that was best for their son, Sean:

Chris:

  • Thinks that babies need to be with 1 parent during the day and not with a babysitter.
  • Had to work to make ends meet after separating from Jack
  • Is angry to have to be away from their son, Sean. And feels guilty for leaving him with a babysitter.
  • Is worried that Sean will be mad at Chris for leaving him and that he will love the babysitter more than his parents.
  • Does not like that Sean’s time with Jack takes away from the few hours Chris has to spend with him.
  • Cannot stand the thought that Sean might get to like Jack’s new partner.
  • Is impatient and irritable when Sean gets cranky.
  • Cannot think of good ways to help the baby get used to the changes in their lives, so Chris ends up feeling even worse.
  • Misses the quiet times with Sean before the separation.

Jack:

  • Is scared that Chris does not see him as important. He thinks Chris would be happier if he would get out of Sean’s life altogether.
  • Feels stretched to the limit, working overtime, starting a new relationship, and finding time for Sean.
  • Wants to be helpful and reasonable. But when Chris suggests that he change his work schedule to give Sean more time with both of them, he fights with Chris about how important his job is.
  • Does not know what type of relationship his new partner should have with Sean. But he needs his partner’s help to take care of Sean.
  • Thinks Chris is being unreasonable and jealous over Sean being left with Jack’s new partner.

Working together:

  • Things got really tough when Sean had to go to the hospital because he was dehydrated.
  • Jack and Chris were embarrassed that they yelled at each other in front of the doctor. They were both worried sick about Sean.
  • After the hospital experience, they went to a mediator that knows about small children and made some agreements:
  • They agreed to take a parenting class at the YMCA.
  • Chris found a support group for divorced people.
  • Jack called the Stepfamily Association of America for information about how to bring his partner into the household.
  • Jack also agreed to limit the time Sean spends with his new partner until Chris is comfortable enough to meet his new partner in person.
  • They both changed their schedules so Sean can have more time with each of them.


Helping each other coparent your children well

Here is an example of another couple, Dolores and Carlos, who want to work together to help their daughter Rosa adjust to the separation as best as possible.

Dolores:

  • Knows what her 18-month-old daughter Rosa wants, what makes her cry, and what makes her happy.
  • Knows that Rosa needs to have a close relationship with her father, Carlos.
  • Wants Rosa to live with her. But she also wants to make sure that Rosa is happy in different places.
  • Has tried to stay up-to-date about what happens when Rosa is with Carlos. She gives Carlos useful information, without telling him what to do.
  • Remembers what helped Rosa get used to the babysitter and has told Carlos what seemed to work.
  • Has noticed that since the separation, Rosa gets tired and cranky more easily, especially when she travels from Carlos’s home to Dolores’s home.
  • Now puts aside quiet time to spend with Rosa after the child returns from being with Carlos. And Rosa seems to handle the changes better.
Carlos:
  • Felt terrible when Rosa cried for her mother the first overnight at his apartment.
  • Remembered what Dolores told him: that Rosa cried with the babysitter at first, but stopped when she started playing.
  • Tried some of Dolores’s ideas and a few of his own.
    • For example: Carlos made up stories to tell Rosa. He tried different nighttime routines until bedtime went smoothly.
  • Knew Dolores would worry. So he made sure to tell her how he makes bedtime work.
  • Also told Dolores what he thinks should be the same in the 2 houses and what differences he thinks Rosa can handle.

Working together:

  • Rosa got more comfortable going back and forth between her 2 homes.
  • The doctor told Carlos that Rosa was doing “everything an almost-2-year-old ought to be doing.” She told Carlos and Dolores that they were parenting well together.
  • Even though problems or arguments come up from time to time, Dolores and Carlos talk with each other until the problem is solved. They remind themselves that the most important thing is Rosa’s best interest.

Managing parenting and work

It is generally good for children to spend time with their parents.

  • But it is NOT bad for children to spend some time away from their parents.
  • Children who are away from both parents for most of the day can do well if their daycare is good and if their time with their parents is not too stressful.
  • Children should be with consistent caregivers (that is, babysitters, daycare workers, grandparents, or other family members).
  • The fewer changes in caregivers, the better.
  • Children need to be taken care of by people that are sensitive to them, understand their needs, and give them affection and a sense of security.
  • A caregiver that has a close relationship with the child (called an “attachment”) can help during this stressful time.

Most children need time with both parents on a regular basis. Work together to spend as much time as possible with your children. Create a routine that your children can count on and stick to it.

Try to work out your schedules so that the children are with 1 parent when the other parent is at work or in school. This way, you will both have more time with the children.

Not all parents can work out this type of work schedule. Watch your children to see if they are stressed or having trouble dealing with changes.

Suggestions for parents

Suggestions for positive conversations

  • Agree on a time and place to talk (in person or by phone) that works for both of you. Talk on a regular basis to avoid misunderstandings. This will make it easier for the children to live in 2 homes.
  • Try to solve problems when the children are not around.
  • Meet in public places like restaurants, libraries, or coffee shops. This will help you talk calmly and will give you a chance to leave if you need to.
  • Start by sharing information. Then, try to solve problems. Keep talking as long as the conversation stays positive.
  • Agree that either parent can end the talk if it is too uncomfortable or not positive.
  • When you end the conversation, agree to keep talking about the problem the next time you talk. Even 5 minutes of positive conversation every week can lead to good decisions.
  • Keep parenting talks separate from talks about other subjects. Try to talk about other things at a different time.
Important! All parents have disagreements. What affects children is HOW parents fight and how they work out their problems. Children know when their parents are fighting. Even if you avoid each other most of the time, children can sense angry, repeated fights. This can be bad for them emotionally.

Some suggestions for less-experienced parents

Spend a little bit of time alone with your children at first.

  • Slowly spend more time alone with your children.
  • Learn from the people around you (family, other parents, parenting classes).
  • Listen to information from the other parent.
  • Commit to a regular schedule. You may have to talk to your boss about your schedule and sick time for your children’s doctor’s appointments.


Some suggestions for more-experienced parents

Give the other parent a chance to take care of your children. Not just playing, but feeding, dressing, bathing, having them take naps, putting them to bed, and taking care of them when they are sick.

  • Think about what you need to know to feel better about how your children are being taken care of. Tell the other parent.
  • It is usually all right if 1 parent does some things a little differently than the other.
  • Tell the other parent about what your children need, what they are used to doing, and what they like. For example:
    • What are their favorite foods?
    • What calms them down when they are upset?
    • What helps them go to bed?
  • The other parent may discover new things about your children. Listen to this new information about your children.
  • Talk to the other parent about how your children act when they are doing well with a change. And how they react when they are stressed or upset.


Taking care of yourself

Children do best when both parents take care of them regularly. They need you both to be sensitive, caring, and prepared to take care of them.

  • Parents do best when they help, support, and respect each other.
  • When you first separate, it is a lot harder to work well together.
  • If you are under a lot of stress, you may feel depressed, anxious, moody, and worried. This can make it hard to be sensitive and calm with a fussy child.
  • Try to figure out what would help you feel better and take the time to do it. For example:
    • Plan regular activities for when you have the children and for when you are alone.
    • Look for good examples of successful divorced families. Their experience can give you support and good ideas.
    • Talk to close friends who will listen when you are upset and angry but will not take sides.
    • Get help from support groups and professionals if you need to.

More information on parenting your young children

Most areas have groups like the YMCA or YWCA, youth agencies, community agencies, and religious groups that offer:

  • Handouts on normal development for babies, toddlers, and preschoolers.
  • Articles with checklists for picking a quality daycare.
  • Parenting classes with tips for handling typical situations.

Mental health professionals also can help to point out important issues for the family and help you to plan.

There are also a lot of Web sites with helpful information on parenting children of different ages. Here are some Web sites that may be helpful:

What Do Children 6 Years Old and Older Need?

There is a lot of information on the Internet about the needs of children of school age and teenagers.

Here are some resources:

 

Visitation Rights of Grandparents

If you are a grandparent and want information about visitation with your grandchildren, there are many resources that can help you learn about your options and understand your rights as a grandparent.

Under California law, a grandparent can ask the court for reasonable visitation with a grandchild. To give a grandparent reasonable visitation with a grandchild, the court has to:

  1. Find that there was a pre-existing relationship between grandparent and grandchild that has “engendered a bond.”  This means that there is such a bond between grandparent and grandchild that visitation is in best interest of the grandchild.

    AND

  2. Balance the best interest of the child in having visitation with a grandparent with the rights of the parents to make decisions about their child.

In general, grandparents cannot file for visitation rights while the grandchild’s parents are married. But there are exceptions, like:

  • The parents are living separately;
  • A parent’s whereabouts are unknown (and have been for at least a month);
  • One of the parents joins the grandparent’s petition for visitation;
  • The child does not live with either of his or her parents; or
  • The grandchild has been adopted by a stepparent.

If a grandparent has visitation through the courts, and things change and none of these exceptions apply any more, one or both parents can ask the court to end the grandparent’s visitation and the court must then end the grandparent’s visitation rights at that time.

Read California Family Code sections 3100-3105 to read the law about a grandparent’s rights to visitation. This code section also details other situations the court must consider before giving visitation to a grandparent. Make sure you read it carefully and get legal advice from a lawyer if you think they may apply to your case.

Keep in mind that, if possible, it may be best for you and your family to try to resolve these issues out of court. Consider mediation between you and your grandchildren’s parents as a way to openly and safely discuss your needs and concerns to try to reach an agreement that is in the best interests of your grandchildren and that preserves your relationship with them as well as with their parents. Read our section on Resolving Your Dispute Out of Court to learn more about mediation and get some resources to find mediators in your community that can help you. It is possible that if you go to court, you will also have to meet with a mediator from Family Court Services. Click to learn more about Family Court Services mediation.

If you are a grandparent and you are raising your grandchildren either because the parents are absent or are unable to care for their children (like if they are on drugs, or in jail), read our section on Guardianship.  When a non-parent wants custody of a child (and not just visitation rights to see the child) it is called guardianship, and there is a separate court process for guardianships.

How does a grandparent ask for visitation in court?

Under the law, a grandparent who wants to ask the court to order visitation with a grandchild can file a petition in court. It is difficult to figure out exactly how to file this petition. There may already be a family law case filed between the child’s parents (like a divorce, a parentage case, a child support case, or a domestic violence restraining order) and a grandparent may be able to ask for visitation under one of those existing cases. Or, there may be no open case, and you, as the grandparent, may have to file a petition in court starting a case from scratch.

There are currently no official court forms specifically for this purpose, but several courts have developed local forms and templates you can use to ask for visitation with your grandchild. Ask your court’s self-help center or family law facilitator if they have samples, templates or local forms you can use. You can also hire your own private lawyer to help you with your petition or with parts of your case (called “limited-scope representation”). Click for help finding a lawyer. Click for more information on limited-scope representation.

In general, a grandparent who wants to ask for visitation with a grandchild must:

  1. Figure out if there is a family court case already open
    As just explained, you first need to figure out if there is a family court case already open involving your grandchild and his or her parents. If so, you can file a petition under that case. To do that, jump to step 2 below.  If not, you will have to start a case yourself, and then keep following the steps below.

    Remember, ask the family law facilitator or self-help center at your court for help starting a case yourself.

  2. Fill out your court forms
    In addition to any papers you need to complete to open a case (if there is not one already open), fill out:

    • Order to Show Cause (Form FL-300); and

    • Application for Order and Supporting Declaration (Form FL-310).

    On Form FL-310, explain what type of visitation schedule you would like to have with your grandchildren and why. Make sure you answer the questions the judge must consider when deciding to give a grandparent visitation, like: what your relationship with your grandchildren is; why is in your grandchildren’s best interests to have visitation with you; and anything else you think is important for the judge to know about your relationship with your grandchildren.

    You can use the Child Custody and Visitation Application Attachment (Form FL-311) or explain what orders you would like on a Declaration (Form MC-031). If you have prepared a proposal for the visitation orders you would like the judge to make, attach that too.

           Note: Find out if your court requires you to fill out any local forms specific to your county.

      • Have your forms reviewed
        If your court’s family law facilitator or self-help center helps people with grandparent visitation cases, ask them to review your paperwork. They can make sure you filled it out properly before you move ahead with your case. And, again, make sure you ask them if there are any local forms you need to fill out in addition to the forms listed here.

      • Make at least 3 copies of all your forms
        One copy will be for you; the other 2 copies will be for your grandchildren’s parents. The original is for the court.

      • File your forms with the court clerk
        Turn in your forms to the court clerk. He or she will keep the original and return the copies to you, stamped “Filed.” You will have to pay a filing fee. If you cannot afford the fee, you can ask for a fee waiver.

      • Get your court date or mediation date
        The clerk will probably give you a court date. You and your grandchildren’s parents may have to meet with the mediator before the court date or go to a mediation orientation. Ask the clerk if you are not sure.

      • Serve your papers on the parents
        Once you file papers in court to ask for visitation, the law requires you give notice to the parents (and, stepparents and anyone else who has physical custody of your grandchild). This is done through “service of process.” “Service” is the legal way to let someone know about a court case or a petition you have filed in court.

        To serve your papers, have someone at least 18 years old (NOT you) serve each parent with a copy of all the papers you filed and a blank Responsive Declaration to Order to Show Cause or Notice of Motion (Form FL-320). Look at the front of Form FL-300 to see if the judge ordered you to serve any other documents.

        If you filed your petition under a case that was already opened involving your grandchild and the parents, you can give each parent (and stepparent or other person with physical custody) notice by certified mail, return receipt requested with postage prepaid, to each parent’s last known address or to each parent’s lawyer in the case.  Remember, someone else (at least 18 years old) must be the one to mail these papers to each parent.

        If you had to start a new case to ask for visitation, you will have to give notice by personal service, which means you must have someone hand-deliver a copy of the papers to each parent (and stepparent or person with physical custody).

        To find out more about how to “serve” or give notice to someone, read the section on Service of process.

      • File your Proofs of Service
        Have your server (the person or persons who mailed or hand-delivered your papers to each parent) fill out proofs of service (you can use Proof of Personal Service (Form FL-330) or Proof of Service by Mail (Form FL-335) and make sure you specify you served by certified mail and attach the return receipt) for each of the parents and give them to you so you can file them with the court. It is very important that your server fills out the Proofs of Service correctly. If possible, have your family law facilitator or self-help center review them to make sure they were filled out properly.

      • Go to your court hearing and/or mediation
        Once the parents are “served” (notified), there may be a court hearing in front of a judge or commissioner. As mentioned earlier, you may all be ordered to go to mediation with Family Court Services mediation to try to work out a visitation agreement. If you cannot reach an agreement, the judge will make a decision based on the best interest of the child and will balance the child’s best interests with the right of parents to make decisions in their children’s lives.

      See Going to Court to read more information about how to prepare for your court hearing.

      After the court hearing

      Once the judge makes a decision at the court hearing, the judge will sign a court order. In some courtrooms, the clerk or court staff will prepare this order for the judge’s signature. In other courtrooms, it is the responsibility of the person who asked for the hearing to prepare the court order for the judge to sign. If either side has a lawyer, the lawyer will usually be asked to prepare the order.

      If you have to prepare this order, you will need to fill out the Findings and Order After Hearing (Form FL-340), and an attachment detailing the orders that the judge made.

      Remember, the family law facilitator or self-help center may be able to help you with these forms. So ask for help or have the family law facilitator or self-help center review the forms to make sure you did not make any mistakes.

      Need Help?

      If you want to ask for grandparent visitation rights, your court’s family law facilitator or self-help center may be able to help you, or at least refer you to someone in your area who can help you. There are also a lot of other resources with information that can help you understand your rights and decide what is best in your case. And you can look for a lawyer for advice.

      Resources

      Senior Legal Hotline Grandparent Project
      This project by the Senior Legal Hotline offers legal advice for grandparents on custody or visitation of grandchildren in California .

      GrandCare Support Locator
      A service by the AARP Foundation that connects grandparents with national, state and local groups, programs, resources and services that support grandparents or other relative caregivers as well as grandparents facing visitation issues. Also offered is Help from Grandparents Raising Children, which you can use to search for a help in your area.

      Grandparenting Tips & Resources
      Provided by the AARP, includes information of where to get legal and financial help, as well as other information on issues affecting you and your grandchildren.

      Advocates for Grandparent GrandChild Connection
      Multigenerational organization which educates the public about grandparents’ rights, advocates for grandchildren, and supports grandparents who have suffered from loss of affection and contact from their grandchildren.

      GrandFacts : A State Fact Sheet for Grandparents and Other Relatives Raising Children
      Provides an extensive list of resources and contact information for help to grandparents in California.

      Grandparents Resource Center (GRC)
      A Colorado nonprofit that offers services, some for a fee, to grandparents struggling with rights issues.

      The Foundation for Grandparenting
      The Foundation is a nonprofit foundation dating back to 1980. This weebsite includes resources, links, articles and other help for grandparents and families.

      National Committee of Grandparents for Children's Rights (NCGCR)
      The NCGCR strives "to protect the rights of grandparents to secure their grandchildren's health, happiness and well-being." The main focus of this organization seems to be advocating for grandparents raising grandchildren, but clicking on the "Resources" tab and scrolling down will take you to some information about grandparent visitation rights.

      Grandfamilies State Law and Policy Resource Center
      National legal resource in support of grandfamilies both within and outside the child welfare system. This resource center has a searchable database of laws and legislation affecting grandfamilies both inside and outside the foster care system for all 50 states, and other relevant resources and publications.

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